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(NOTE: USA Today fired CNN s suspender-clad talk show-host Larry King from its news pages recently, axing his famous dot-dot-dot, stream-of-consciousness column. We are pleased to include a new one here exclusively written for SAWDUST NEWS)
LARRY KING S This N That USA Today dropped my column. Big deal. I have houses on two coasts. What does the editor who fired ME have?...Peanut butter doesn t stick to the roof of your mouth as much as people say. At least it doesn t on mine. It does stick to my teeth, though. When I look at them soaking in the glass at night there s peanut butter on them....Look up "actor" in the dictionary and it ll have Harrison Ford s picture next to it... I got gas after eating corned beef and cabbage at a local restaurant yesterday...Look up "relief" in the dictionary and it ll have "Beano s" picture next to it....The Fox News Channel would never hire serious journalists like me....Look up the Fox News Channel in the dictionary and it ll have an elephant s picture next to it...Or a turkey with two right wings... I had dinner with Nancy Reagan yesterday at her favorite restaurant. She got a Barbie toy in her Happy Meal.....I often lunch with actor Marlon Brando. Yesterday s included spaghetti, lasagna, garlic bread, chicken parmesan, salad smothered in oil and vinegar dressing, Italian pastry, vanilla and strawberry gelati and coffee. I was on a diet so I only had a salad....Look up Marlon Brando s picture in the dictionary and you ll find the words "cardiac arrest candidate" next to it.... Visited the Vietnam Memorial. It was quite moving, touching and the crowd s comments moved me to tears. Everyone said what a great interviewer I am and asked for my autograph...My 3000th book comes out this week....I have a zit on my chin and my wife can t pop it...Cranberries make me belch....What do you call a USA Today reporter with an IQ of 10? Editor.... I was in Philadelphia last weekend and it was a very moving, almost spiritual experience. A lot of history is there and it is being continued today: five years ago I got an award for my tireless work with troubled youths. Last weekend I received an award for my tireless work with troubled Postal workers...Look up Postal Worker in the dictionary and you ll see a picture of a gun-toting snail next to it....Charmin toilet paper is really squeezably soft....I have to be honest. I wasn t happy being let go by USA Today. I needed that like Marlon Brando needs a banana split... Boxer shorts are better than briefs. That s what Jesse Helms says and so does Janet Reno...I was in Florida recently and got depressed. The doctor told me to count my blessings. I did. Then Kathleen Harris recounted them and I didn t have as many as I thought...Rub a Fig Newton on your head and it kills the lice...Al Gore wants to run again...Look up Al Gore s Chances in the dictionary and you ll see a blank space next to it... BUGS BUNNY SWITCHES TO DISNEY BURBANK, Ca (DNN) -- Cartoon star Bugs Bunny has left Warner Bro. Studios today, becoming an independent contractor, throwing definitive control of the cartoon market to Disney Studios for the first time since the 1930s. Bunny s announcement was made this morning at a crowded Hollywood carrot patch. It had been delayed a day while other cartoon stars asked Harold Snow, president of cartoon production for the studios, to create a new full-animation position at Warner Brothers to keep Bunny from leaving. "For the past two decades I have been struggling with a very difficult issue," Bunny said. "Increasingly I find myself in disagreement with my studio," he said. "I will leave Warner Brothers and will become an independent contractor," Bunny said, prompting cheers and thundering chants of "Thank you BUGS!" from carrot patch supporters and a scream of "You re despicable!" from Daffy Duck. Bunny said he will make deals with Disney "for organizational and artistic purposes." His defection effectively removes the biggest star in the Warners Bro. cartoon roster. Most big cartoon stars are now at Disney, which still does full animation on its many cartoon features films. In recent years Bunny and other Warners cartoon characters have become upset at the more conservative limited-animation used on their features at Warner. "I have changed my studio," Bunny said. "But I have not changed my beliefs." Bunny s beliefs have included the need for zany, sometimes politically incorrect, comedy, full animation, appearing in several theatrical cartoons a year plus and a continued high profile in television. Except for the Michael Jordon vehicle Space Jam, Bunny s star has been on the wane. The longtime cartoon star, whose age is "somewhere around 67," told the carrot patch crowd he had no choice but to switch after he read Warners animation plans for 2002. Although many Warner Bro.-produced cartoons are funny -- Tiny Toons, Animaniacs -- Disney releases a more liberal number of cartoon features each year, versus the tiny, more conservative number released by Warners. The Warners cartoon budget does not include a significant amount of funding for full animation. "A new direction without funding is no direction at all," Bunny said. Bunny said he informed Elmer Fudd, Porky Pig, and Tweety Bird about his decision, and described the three as "a good man, a good pig and a good bird with whom I disagree." Bunny said his decision took the weight of the world off his shoulders but his "heart hung heavy" since some animators, voice-over talent, and kids toy merchandisers would now have their lives in an upheaval. He expressed special regret for Fudd. "The foil of my cartoons has dreamed of catching me all his life or at least of making enough money to cure his speech impediment," Bunny said. And it was also hard for him to talk to his fellow Warner cartoon stars who pleaded with him not to leave the studio. "It was the most emotional moment of my life. I could see the anguish," he said. "Ain t I a stinker?" Warners officials were stunned by the Bunny development, as it overshadowed roll out of the studio s new t.v.s shows. Cartoon chief Snow said while he respected Bunny s decision to bolt the studio, he "respectfully" disagreed with Bunny s reasons. "This morning a distinguished cartoon character decided to leave Warner Bro. studios and become an independent contractor," he said. "I respect Bugs Bunny but I respectfully couldn t disagree more," he said. Snow defended Warner s animation plans saying, "Our agenda for doing fewer and fewer cartoon features like Space Jam represents the hopes and dreams of Main Street America," Snow said. "I was appointed to entertain the American people," he added. "And to work with full and limited animation -- and we re doing just that." Bunny s defection was met with dismay and anger among other Warners cartoon characters and on radio talk show programs. One cartoon source, who wished to be anonymous, said "Good riddance to Bunny. In recent years he was much more like a Disney character anyway. BEEP BEEP!" One Warners bigwig suggested Bunny jumped because "he made a special deal with Mickey Mouse, who offered him his starring role in an upcoming Disney cartoon." On the airwaves, radio show hosts weighed in. Rush Limbaugh said Bunny s defection "was due to the Clintons. Hillary is the true power in cartoonland and right before he defected Bunny got a call from Bill Clinton. When it comes out, you will see that Clinton bribed Bugs Bunny with the promise of wholesale carrots from CostCo. These people are not going away..." Warner Bros cartoon characters are now whispering about retaliating against Bunny for his disloyalty. One possibility is to declare rabbit season early this year. THIS JUST IN! NEWS BULLETIN: REV. JESSE JACKSON STATEMENT This is the full text of the Rev. Jesse Jackson s statement to DNN regarding the scandal involving the child he produced out of wedlock with a former aide. Jackson, who assumed a prominent role during the 2000 Democratic convention with his rousing speech urging Americans to "stay out of the Bushes," gave the following statement in this DNN exclusive: I just want to apologize to let you know how much I agonize over finally having had to say that I got my former aide in the family way. Yes, Jesse Jackson to you now admits I fell for her because of her beautiful....ahhh...um...IDEAS...IDEAS!!!!!!!!! And it really makes me sad To admit I created a pregnant chad then I took her to Capitol Hill where I ministered to our president Bill who was in the doghouse with his wife Hil over his own problems with things moral due to letting Monica get oral. So, yes, I m contrite I apologize to everyone in sight To every officeholder, every citizen and clown, from Los Angeles to Chicago to Jaimetown. But I will not quit the public scene because on important issues I ve always been out in front, caring not mean. I m here to stay to work for the USA. I ll be with the Rainbow Coalition and Operation Push and am serving notice now on President GW Bush that he better soon get off his Lone Star tush since my voice they will never ever shush. You don t have to be exactly mental To wonder if it s all strictly coincidental That this two year old story broke in the National Enquirer At the exact time I vowed to take opposition to Bush higher. So, yes, I accept thecomplete moral blame But it looks as if this story might have been timed to defame. (And that s the end of this news, brought to you on Sawdust News -- editor) Copyright ©2001 Joe Gandelman PREDICTIONS FOR 2001 Editor s Note: We asked world-famous psychic Josephine Gandelman of Oriskiny Falls, NY for her predictions on 2001 s upcoming events. Gandelman successfully predicted in 1989 that Richard Nixon would one day die.
New York, NY (DNN)-- In yet another sign of growing violence among youths, this city has been rocked by a wave of pre-school drive-by finger- paintings. The latest attack, Monday morning in the Bronx's HGO (Hillary Go Home) section, left residents here weeping and demanding action from local and federal officials. "It was horrible," 45-year-old Sid Donsky said. "I was walking down the street when I suddenly heard a blaring tape recorder's awful music. It was Barney's Greatest Hits. Then the air began to reek of lollipops and bubble gum, there was the scrape of tricycle wheels -- and they got me." Donsky's wife Gloria sobbed. "It was terrible," she said. "One minute he was standing there tall and proud, the next minute he had yellow and purple finger-paint on his pants." According to Donsky, the group of 8 pre-schoolers was verbally abusive as they laughed and pedaled away. "One of them yelled 'You're a pooh- pooh' head!''' he said. "What is America coming to? This kind of language isn't heard in public unless it's a presidential campaign." This has been the fifth drive- by finger-painting in New York this week. Scattered incidents have been reported in Los Angeles, Chicago and Orksinky Falls, NY but the rash of finger-paintings in New York have sparked a clamor for officials to do something. Government officials fear the latest incidents could spark a wave of copycat drive-by finger-paintings or sit-down tantrums. They promise to be strict.. "There will be law and order in New York," New York Mayor Rudoph Giuliani vowed in a press conference held between visits to three of his 14 girlfriends. "This points out the need for locks on pre-schoolers' fingers," President Bill Clinton announced. Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh yesterday devoted his entire program to the topic. The following is a condensed account of Limbaugh's theory of what happened and why: "Clinton...Clinton...Clinton...Hillary...Hillary...Hillary....The Democrats...The Democrats...The Democrats....Liberals...Liberals...Liberals...Vincent Foster." The National Rifle Association announced that the drive-by finger-paintings underline the urgent need for more guns in American families. "This could have been completely avoided if Mr. Donsky had been carrying an Uzi," NRA President Charlton Heston said while feeding his wig. "Finger-paintings are tacitly guaranteed under the constitution. Congress can make no law to restrict the right to own and use finger-paints." Anti-finger-painting parents have announced a Fourteen Father March on Washington to combat the problem. Live coverage will be shown on Sesame Street. Meanwhile, presidential candidates commented on the issue. "This would not have happened if the Republican Party had taken action on Social Security reform, gun control, and anti-tobacco legislation," Democratic candidate Vice President Al Gore said. Added Republican candidate George W. Bush: "I believe we must have finger-painting. Law enforcement officials have found finger-painting to be crucial to finding criminals and they have used finger-painting for many years. The finger-paintings of thousands of criminals are now on file with the FBI." CBS STICKS BY GUMBEL DESPITE NETWORK COLLAPSE NEW YORK, NY-- Dec. 1, 2001 (DNN) -- CBS officials insist Bryant Gumbel s morning show just needs some more time to "grow," despite the network s recent loss of all but one affiliate due to the show s low ratings. "Look, we knew when we started the Early Show that it wouldn t be easy," said Paul Pollyana, director of programming. "After all, we are going against years of viewing habits and we knew this would take time. Once people develop the Early Show habit our numbers will go up. Bryant is a charming, delightful presence. Viewers love to see his face in the morning." Despite CBS shares continuing to plummet on Wall Street, Polyanna insisted neither he nor the company was worried about the morning show s impact. "Why should we panic? He s a talent and our CEO wants to stick with him," he said, just before leaping from his tenth floor office window. Gumbel s highly-touted show had problems from the start. CBS gave him a $5 million a year contract, but the public just did not seem to be interested. The biggest crisis came in August when, attempting to match NBC Today Show rival Katie Couric s acclaimed televised cancer examination, Gumbel insisted on a live broadcast of himself undergoing a proctological examination. "Viewers had a lot of trouble distinguishing the examination area from Bryant himself," explained Colgate University Communications Professor Harold Schmidlap. "Viewers thought it was the same old same old..." After the exam, Early Show ratings, which had always been low, began to plummet more. This week s Nielson s showed Early Show ranked 8900th among morning shows. Viewership reflected .0598 of the audience. Ads now sell for $2.75 a minute. In September all but one CBS-owned station pulled out of the network, leaving New York s flagship WCBS the only affiliate left. Most of the network s board resigned. Now that Pollyana has left, only one top official and a producer remain. But CBS s CEO predicts big things for the Gumbel program. "We re just delighted to be associated with a major talent like Bryant," said CEO Stewart Spin said from his psychiatrist s Brooklyn. "Once people discover Bryant s here we ll break the old habits. Look up the word inspiration and you ll see Bryant s picture under it. Look up the word chazzarook and you won t find it in the dictionary. Look up too many words and you ll get carpal tunnel." Meanwhile, due to continued low ratings the show s remaining producer has had trouble getting top-notch interviews. This weeks guests include former Vice President Dan Quayle (who will read his book of Poetry "Nothing is More Beautiful Than a Trheey), 7-Eleven s Clerk of the Year (interview with English subtitles), and Rabbi Joe Gandelman (who will promote his new kosher pork rinds). DEMONSTRATION TO FREE 1950s ICON FIZZLES WASHINGTON, DC. (DNN)-- An attempt to attract millions of Baby Boomers to demonstrate to free an "imprisoned" 1950s icon fizzled here yesterday. Efforts to whip up support for Howdy Doody, the freckle-faced puppet whose beloved show on NBC ran for 13 years, failed to attract the huge crowds planners predicted. "We can t understand it," said Harold Schmecklebaum, the demonstration s leader who is trying to free the puppet from a nasty legal custody battle and a musty safe deposit box in Connecticut. "We put up huge signs that said FREE DOODY -- but no one came." Organizers hoped for an appeal to free the late Buffalo Bob Smith s "better half" by presenting their case that Doody belonged to the family of the puppet s longtime string-puller, the late Rufus Rose. They tried a novel approach to deliver that message. However, the twenty mimes selected to deliver it did not excite the crowd. No one cheered when the mimes pretended to be washing windows. "What s happening to America?" a frustrated Schemecklebaum asked. Howdy Doody remains one of the few "heroes" left in America. He appeared on NBC from 1947 to 1960 in some 2500 episodes. The program was the first shown on NBC to run five days a week but later cut back to Saturday mornings after competition from Walt Disney s weekday Mickey Mouse Club. In the early 70s, Smith did a Howdy Doody Show revival tour on college campuses. By the late 70s Smith attempted to revive the show, but it failed. Rose owned Howdy Doody, then loaned him to Smith. Supposedly Rose agreed to donate the puppet to the Detroit Institute of the Arts upon his death. Rose died in 1975. Smith died two years ago. But Rose s family kept Doody, insisting they had custody, and locked him in a vault. So now the museum is suing Rose s heirs and Smith s estate. Actually, the last Howdy Doody show was performed off the air in Beufort, S.C. on March 2, 1996 when world-famous figure-maker (dummy-maker) Conrad Hartz organized and hosted a Howdy Doody show at a get together for ventriloquists and puppeteers. Hartz operated Howdy for Buffalo Bob. The night before Howdy slept at Hartz house. What is Howdy Doody really like? "He s wonderful - - except he did hit the bottle," Hartz said. "He drank all the Pledge in my house." During the run of his show Howdy Doody lived in Doodyville, a town near Flushing, NY. When he moved in with Smith he lived in a special glass case. Since Smith s death, Doody has been something of a recluse, although he recently surfaced to win a national Ted Koppel look-alike contest. In another development, earlier this afternoon both sides demanded Attorney General Janet Reno s immediate intervention. Reno has avoided taking sides but seems poised to take a Doody position. "I am considering this vital issue," she said. "I will give it the same careful, thoughtful consideration as I have in other matters such as the Branch Dividians at Waco." Meanwhile, top Presidential candidates were asked today to state their positions on the Doody controversy. Democratic candidate Vice President Al Gore said: "I believe Howdy Doody must stay with the Rose family. I also firmly support the arts and the people of Michigan and believe the museum would be a wonderful place for Howdy Doody. I love Howdy Doody. I created his show in 1947." Texas Republican Gov. George W. Bush said: "Howdy Doody is my favorite Muppet." Reform Party candidate Patrick Buchanan dismissed Howdy Doody with a wave of his hand , saying: "Howdy Doody is a puppet of the establishment." |
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