Jokes for Kids
These are jokes specifically for kids. They are NOT jokes used in Joe s shows, but are here for kids to enjoy. If YOU would like to submit a kids joke for this page just click on Submit A Joke, write the joke on the e-mail message that pops up, click on SEND and if we use the joke we ll run your name after it so everyone will know it came from you! A big THANK YEW to Virginia Marshall for these jokes: What do you get when you cross King Kong with a vegetable garden? Squash. How do you get King Kong to sit down and beg? Swing a 500 lb. banana in front of him. How can you contact Jaws? Drop him a line. How did King Kong escape from his cage? He used a monkey wrench. What is Dracula's favorite sport? Bat-mitton... What do you call a swarm of monster bees? Zombees. A dog walks in a bar and says "Hey Bartender, its my birthday, how bout a drink?" And the bartender says" Sure, the bathroom is around the corner..." THANK YOU to Kandela Stallworth for this original one: What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo Jeans. (Muchas gracias to Yvonne Parker for this one:) What do you get when a bull falls asleep? A bulldozer. Gracias otra vez to Ron Johnston for this: Knock , knock.... Who's there? Jimmy. Jimmy who? Jimmy so money.. Thanks to Roshelle Gerby for making us laugh with this: What happens when you cross a dinosaur and fireworks answer? Dino-mite . Why should you keep your eye off the turkey dressing? Because it makes him blush! Why do turkeys always go "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners! How do you keep a turkey in suspense? I'll tell you at Christmas. What key has legs and can't open doors? Tur-key. Teacher: "Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?" Student: "Maybe they missed their plane." Teacher: "Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?" Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!" Why can't you take a turkey to church? Because they use such FOWL language! Knock, knock! Who's there? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur any leftovers? What do you call the dirt on a Pilgrim's hands? Pilgrime! What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy! Why didn't the turkey eat dessert? He was stuffed! What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Take him out for pizza and ice cream! What kind of horse likes to be ridden at night? A nightmare. What does a dog quarterback throw to? A Labrador receiver. How can you spot a dogwood tree? By its bark. What do you get when you cross a werewolf with someone who makes ceramics? A hairy potter. Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head? Because he needed the hare. What is a twip? A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain. What did the dentist give the school marching band? A tuba toothpaste. Two kids walked into a school.... OUCH! What do you get when you cross a balloon with a porcupine? A pop. Where does a bird go when it loses its tail? To a retail store. What goes HA, HA, HA, PLOP! Someone laughing their head off. What word is always pronounced wrong? WRONG. What s more amazing than a talking dog? A spelling bee. How does a dog stop a VCR? He presses the PAWS button. Why do Teddy Bear cookies wear long pants? Because they ve got crummy legs. Knock Knock... Who s there? Anita... Anita who? Anita hug. Why didn't the teddy bear eat dessert? Because he was stuffed. Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the shell station. Q: Why was the little ink drop crying? A: Because his father was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence was going to be. Q: What do you get when you cross a fish with two elephants? A: Swimming trunks. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Great big holes all over Australia. What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh. What does a dancer like to drink? Tap Water How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest batter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world, too!" "How do you put a Giraffe in a Refrigerator? Open the door and put him in! "How do you put an Elephant in a Refrigerator? Take out the Giraffe! Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them. Did you hear about the carpenter who left work early? He made a bolt for the door. What do you get when you have 324 blueberries trying to get through the same door? A blueberry jam What kind of sandwich is Dracula afraid of? Stake sandwich. What did the doc say when he finished the operation? "That's enough out of you." A baby computer s first word: data. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock... Now wait a minute! Who s there?! Charlie the centipede.... Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because Bad News travels fast. The mama skunk said to her young babies? "Children, let us spray." What happened to the two red blood cells when they fell in love? They loved in vein. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too. Q. Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? A. Because she wanted to mail a litter. Q: Why was the broom late? A: It over swept! What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render. How do you make a Kleenex dance? You put a little boogie in it! The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dog rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog." Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!" Why did the baseball team hire a cook? It needed a new batter. What goes 99 bump, 99 bump, 99 bump? A centipede with a wooden leg!. Did you hear about the garden race? The lettuce was a head, the hose was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup. What do snake charmers wear around their necks? Boa ties. Did you hear about the paper company that folded? My neighbor s young son swallowed a quarter, a dime, and a nickel. He was rushed to the hospital. The next day I asked my neighbor how his son was doing , and he replied, "no change yet". Knock, scratch, knock... Who s there? Captain Hook. What's the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit; the dog just pants. Why can't a bank keep a secret? Because there are too many tellers! Why won't a cannibal eat people that work at Texaco? They give him gas. Why do bees hum? hey don't know the words. What did the unhappy doe ask the bank teller? "Can I change this buck?" Why wouldn't the bicycles move? Because they were two-tired. Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was a disaster but the reception was great. What do you get if you cross a shellfish and a rabbit? The Oyster Bunny. What is the difference between a cat and a frog? A cat has 9 lives but a frog is constantly croaking. .A mummy Walked into a restaurant. "What'll you have?" asked the waitress. "Nothing for me," said the mummy. "I just came in here to unwind." Q: Why don't ant eaters ever get sick? A: Because they're full of anti-bodies! Can you spell "hard water" only using three letters? - ICE. Teacher: "Give me a sentence with 'gruesome' in it." Student: "The man stopped shaving and gruesome whiskers." I sat on poison ivy and a four leaf clover. I got a rash of good luck What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean beef. How did Rudolph know that Santa fell out of the sleigh? He felt a rein drop. How do you make an orange laugh? Tickle its navel. "An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car." What did one toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed. A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked: "What happened to the flea?" Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them? Just in case they get a hole in one. Why would Snow White make a good judge? Because she's the fairest one of all. THE LETTER Kevin was writing a letter in class while his friend Greg watched him. "What are you doing?" Greg asked. "Writing a letter to my girlfriend." "But why are you writing so slowly?" Greg asked. "She can t read very fast." Why did the golfer bring an extra sock to the game? In case he got a hole in one How did the patient get to the hospital so fast? Flu. What did the fisherman say to the magician? 'Pick a cod, any cod.' How do you know when a train is eating? You hear it chooing. Are there blood banks in England? I don't know. But there's a liver pool. Why did the cat bark? He wanted to learn a second language. Why did the three little pigs leave home? Their father was an awful boar. What did the turtle wear to keep warm ? A turtle neck. How did the music teacher get locked out of his classroom? His keys were in the piano! Why didn't the peanut butter cross the road? Because there was a traffic jam. WHAT DO YOU CALL A DREAM WHERE ANIMALS ARE ATTACKING YOU? A BITEMARE Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? A. Because every buck is dear to him. What did the duck say when he bought lipstick Put it on my bill. Mummy does God use our bathroom? No darling, why do you ask? Well, every morning Daddy bangs on the door and shouts, oh god are you still there . A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?" The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail." What did one arithmetic book say to the other? We've got problems! Why did the cat walk in the desert and think he was at the North Pole? Because he looked down and saw Sandy Claws. "Mummy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time ...? "Not all, Your father usually starts by saying, The Train was late again..." What do sea monsters eat? Fish and Ships. Why don't bears wear socks? Because they like to walk in their bear feet. What is the tallest building in your town? The Public Library because it has the most stories. Who was the smallest man in history? The sailor who went to sleep on his watch. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they always use honeycombs. Are you going to start a bakery? Yes, if I can raise the dough. How did the puppy stop the CD player? He pushed the "paw's" button. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner. What kind of pine has the sharpest needles? A porcupine What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says, "Spit out your gum," and a train says, "choo, choo." What has five fingers and drives a tractor? A farm hand What is unique about a goose? It grows down as it grows up. What is the hardest key to turn? A donkey. What did the barman say when the ghost asked for a drink? "We don't serve spirits". Why are babies good at basketball? Because they are expert dribblers. Why did Cinderella fall down at the ball? Because she was wearing slippers. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. Dad: Did you change the water in the fishbowl? Billy: No. They didn t finish the water I gave them yesterday. Dad: I m very disappointed in you. Why is your January report card so bad? Nick: You know how it is, Dad. Everything gets marked down after Christmas. What is a vampires favorite dog? A bloodhound. Kayla: Dad, can you help me with this math homework? Dad: I could, son, but it wouldn t be right. Kayla: I don t suppose so, but you could try anyway... What's the funniest motorbike in the world? A yamahahahahahahahahahahaha. What was Camelot? A place where people parked their camels! What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests! How do you cut a wave? With a sea saw. If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left? None, they were all copycats! Who invented King Arthur's round table? Sir Circumference! What are the small rivers that run into the Nile? The juve-niles! What did Noah do while spending time on the ark? Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms! Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day? Pupil: The school bus! Why is it cool to go to a baseball game on a hot day? Because there are a lot of fans Who designed Noah's ark? An ark-itect! Teacher: Where is the English Channel? Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up What was Camelot famous for? It's knight life! What's a mushroom? The place they store the school food! What did you learn in school today? Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow! Who was the biggest thief in history? Atlas, he held up the whole world! What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep? A dinosnore! Receptionist: Doctor, doctor. The Invisible Man is in reception. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now. Patient: Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains. Doctor: Pull yourself together, man. Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine? It wooden go! What's the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish What do people do in clock factories? They make faces all day Can April March? No, but August May Why couldn't the sailors play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck. What does a dentist call his x-rays? Tooth-pics What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens Why was Cinderella such a bad player? Her coach was a pumpkin Who earns a living by driving his customers away? A taxi-driver Why did the cat want to be a nurse? She wanted to be a first-aid kit Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Because he's a pain in the neck. What kind of cats like to go bowling? Alley cats Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no-bell prize! What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead while I give these two a lift What do witches wear on their hair? Scare spray Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they have honeycombs What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt. What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock? Look pop no hands Why did the apple go out with a fig? Because it couldn't find a date What bird can be heard at mealtimes? A swallow Knock, knock Who's there? Yolanda Yolanda who? Yolanda me some money What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails Girl: What did you get that little medal for? Boy: For singing Girl: What did you get the big one for? Boy: For stopping! "Dad, what are those holes in the wood?" "Those are knotholes." "If they're not holes, what are they?" What cat purrs more than any other ? Purrsians ! What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese? A Peking Tom ! Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ? He wanted Mark Antony ! If you have an animal in your backyard called a Yabba Dabba. Don'y be surprised if you step in Yabba Dabba Do ! knock knock who's there olive olive who? olive you ! What trees do astrologers like? Palm trees ! What is the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup? Most people can roast beef. Where do Eskimos keep their money ? Snow banks ! The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards. "No mis" he replied What did one arithmetic book say to the other? We've got problems! Why didn't the oyster share the profits from his pearl? He was shellfish. Why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes? To carry his library card. Why can't you tell secrets on a farm? Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, the grass whispers and the horses carry tails. What do monkeys eat for dessert? Chocolate chimp cookies. What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls ? Reptiles ! Where do frogs keep their money ? In a river bank ! What do you say to a hitchhiking frog ? Hop in ! How do frogs die ? They kermit suicide ! What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair ? Lily ! What do Scottish toads play ? Hop-scotch ! What lights up a soccerl stadium ? A soccerl match ! Why didn't the dog want to play soccer ? It was a boxer ! Q: How do pigs communicate? A :With swine language Where do old bowling balls end up ? In the gutter ! What did they call Dracula when he won the league? The champire ! What is a runner's favorite subject in school ? Jog-raphy ! Where do religious school children practice sports? In the prayground ! What animals are on legal documents? Seals! A mouthorgan is the best present I've ever had. Why? My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it! Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA? Because it has 4 A's and one B! What has two banks but no money? A river. How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars! What do you call an American drawing? Yankee doodle! How did the farmer fix his jeans? With a cabbage patch! What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear? Ferry tales! What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive? A minnie van! Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery? So he could loaf around! Why was the Egyptian girl worried? Because her daddy was a mummy! Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space? He wanted to find Pluto! What holds the sun up in the sky? Sunbeams! How do we know that Joan of Arc was French? She was maid in France! If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe! Where do hamsters come? Hampsterdam! What is the most slippery country in the world? Greece! What do you call a cow with no legs? GROUND Beef! Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work! Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers. What happened when the elephant sat on the car? Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends! What's a snake's favorite school subject? Hissstory! Two little snakes were wiggling along the side of the road when the first little snake turned to the second little snake and asked, "Are we poisonous?" "Why?" asked the second little snake, to which the first little snake replied, "Because I just bit my lip!" Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the barking lot! Why did the spider like computers? Because he had his own Web site. Where do baby cows eat lunch? At a calf-ateria. What do astronauts wear to bed? Space Jammies! What did the bicycle call its dad? Pop-cycle What do you call rollerbladers who chat on the computer? Online skaters. 'Do you have 5 cents I could borrow?' said Nicholas. What did the baby porcupine say to the cactus? "Is that you, Daddy?" What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter? An envelope. What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A STAMP. What do cats like for breakfast? Mice Crispies. As the animals boarded the Ark Noah said: "Now I herd everything." KNOCK KNOCK. Who s there? NOAH. Noah Who? NOAH GOOD PLACE TO EAT? Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered... Dave: Your sister is spoiled, isn t she. Greg: No, that s just the perfume she s wearing.. Jack: Did you hear about the rope joke? Jill. No. Jack: Then just skip it. Q: What happens if you get a gigabyte? A: It megahertz. My children love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters." Want to Submit A Joke? Just Click here.
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