| Internet Humor |
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These are some Internet-circulated jokes that are among Joe Gandelman s favorites.
They are NOT jokes from his act -- nor do they necessarily reflect the humor
in his family, kids or adult corporate shows -- they are simply some favorites to give you a laugh while looking around this site.
These "family friendly" jokes will be periodically updated. So check back from time to time.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children much worse than your own. GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS A man is in the middle of a huge business deal at the office when the phone rings and his wife is on the other line. "Listen, I don't have time to talk make it quick," he says. "Look, I'm very busy. Just give me the good news," he says. "OK," she says. "The airbag works." Q. What always follows rain in Seattle? A. Mondays. Q: What's yellow and sleeps three? A: A state highway truck. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. CHINESE PROVERBS Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?" She says "I want to kill my husband". He says "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..." Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Change? A Jewish man was knocked down by a car. The paramedic loaded him on a stretcher and checked: "Are you comfortable? "I make a living..." the man said. Sign Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest batter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world, too!" LET S PICK ON THE LAWYERS -What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your Honor. -What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad? Senator. -How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough. -Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? -No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. -What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more. -What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn. TRUER WORDS... A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire." EMERGENCY! .A woman's strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her. "Good!! Are any of you doctors interested in a date with a nice, single, Jewish girl?" NOT ANOTHER BAR JOKE An armless man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. I can't serve you." "Why not?" the man asks. "Because you can't hold your liquor." FROM TAXES TO ASHES A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything." JOE IS JEWISH SO HE CAN ASK THIS: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? They never let anyone finish a sentence. JEWISH HAIKU
GOING TO YOU KNOW WHERE... A sinful man dies and goes to hell. Satan says: "I will show you three rooms. Choose one room and that is your fate." In the first room, thousands of people are screaming at the top of their lungs as they flames engulf them; their flesh shrivels up, then is restored then shriveled up. It goes on and on. "I think I'll pass on that one," the man says. In the second room, thousands of people are being torn limb from limb. They scream and cry as they are torn apart; then their body parts come back together, and they scream again, since that is painful too. And then they are torn apart again. "Uh, I don't think so.... " the man says. So he sees the third room. People are standing around near a Starbucks sipping latte while raw sewage flows around their knees. "I'll take THAT one," the man says. "OK," Satan says to the man, then he turns to the crowd. "All right! Coffee break's over.... Back on your heads!" How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.. Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Change? NEW YORKERS A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. ''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage,'' says the waiter. The Texan said, ''What's a shortage?'' The Russian said, ''What's a steak?'' The New Yorker said, ''What's excuse me?'' BEATLES TOP JEWISH SONGS -Lucy on El Al with Abe Diamond -Rocky Racoon's Bris -Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Oy Vey Band -With a Little Help from My Cantor -Can't Buy Me Love [Wholesale] -Helter Skelter, Shmelter Felter -I'll Follow the Sun to Get Your Pledge -I Want to Hold Your Brisket -The Long and Winding Services -I'm a Loser at Mah-jong -Run for Your Life Already -Give Pesach a Chance The blonde called up the airline ticket counter and asked, "How long are your flights from Los Angeles to Phoenix?" The counterman answered, "Just a minute." The blonde thanked him and hung up. A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveler is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!" "Bass solo." Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? A: Homeless. VISIT TO THE DOCTOR A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." DOG HAIKU I love my master; Thus I perfume myself with The essence of rolling in grass. I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You ever will be. Today I sniffed Many dog butts--I celebrate By kissing your face. I sound the alarm! Paperboy--come to kill us all-- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Garbage man--come to kill us all-- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! How do I love thee? The ways are numberless as My hairs on the rug. My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have Made a puddle. I Hate my choke chain. Look, world, they strangle me! Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack! Sleeping here, my chin On your foot--no greater bliss--well, Maybe chasing cats. Look in my eyes and Deny it. No human could Love you as much I do. The cat is not all Bad--she fills the litter box With Tootsie Rolls. Dig under fence--why? Because it's there. Because it's There. Because it's there. I am your best friend, Now, always, and especially When you are eating. You may call them fleas, But they are far more - By vocation I am a flea farmer. A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.' How many people can you fit in one Honda? The Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord..... MORE DUMB ADS -Lost small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. -A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. -For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. -Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. ACTUAL RESUME BLUNDERS ~ "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." ~ "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." ~ "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." ~ "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." ~ "I am a rabid typist." ~ "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side." ~ "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." ~ "Proven ability to track down and correct erors." ~ "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." ~ "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." ~ "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." ~ "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." ~ Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!" (HEY, that s the letter I got...JOE) STUPID SIGNS FROM AROUND THE WORLD Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR." At a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY." Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Hotel, Acapulco: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE." In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER." In a Pumwani maternity ward: "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED." Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID." Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID." In an East African newspaper: "A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS." THE RABBI S PROBLEM A rabbi's son told him he was going to convert. The rabbi, excused himself, went to the temple, got down on his knees and wept. "Dear God," he wept. "Please help me. Give me the strength and show me the path. My son is about to turn Christian. My son! My SON!" Suddenly the room lit up and a voice from above said, "YOUR son????" WIFE S BIRTHDAY The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise..." Actual SAT answers (they say) Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head. PUN ARE LOWEST FORM OF HUMOR I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car. I once worked in dentist's office. I was assigned to pull all the big teeth, molar less. A termite walked into a bar and said, "Is the bar tender here?" LET S PICK ON BLONDES Q: How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher? A: It's clogged up with paper plates. Q: What did the blonde say when she heard that her friend had died? A: "What color?" Q: What does a blonde say when you call her on her cell phone? A: "Hi! How did you know I was at the mall?" Q: Did you hear about the blonde who bought a Toy Poodle? A: She killed it trying to shove the batteries up it's butt. Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything? A: Penicillin Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins? A: She couldn`t figure out who the other mother was Q: How do you get a blonde to take off her blouse? A: Ask her to count to 12 Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths." Blonde: Yeth. And I`m not even thickteen yet Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?" Q: How did the blind blond pierce her ear? A: Answering the stapler What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partner. STEWARDESS INTERVIEW I once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her it would be a great chance to meet men. She looked at me and said, "But you can meet men anywhere." I said, "Strapped down?" (From the late comedienne Martha Raye) ETERNAL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS Q: Why did God make the woman last? A: Because he didn't want any advice on how to make the man. Q. Why do divorced women get married again? A. Lack of memory. Q. What do the men in a singles bar have in common? A. They're all married. Q. How do you identify a bald eagle? A. All his feathers are combed over to one side. BRUNETTES STRIKE BACK WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE WITH BROWN HAIR? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE? No one else wants it. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES? Invisible. WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY? The invitation. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? A hostage. WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR? It matches their mustache. MUSICIANS Q. What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? A. "The Defendant" HANNIBAL THE CANNIBAL (the movie) Hannibal Lector is seeing someone new. She says she hates talking to him when he is nauseated because he keeps bringing up old girlfriends. -What is the hungriest Hannibal has ever been? When he stayed home all day waiting for the cable guy. -What does Hannibal put on his pancakes? Aunt Jemima. -Why won't Hannibal eat Kathy Lee Gifford? Doesn't like artificial sweeteners. -What does Hannibal call Jehovah Witnesses? Free Delivery. -What does Hannibal call the picture of the athlete on a Wheaties box? A suggested serving. -Why is Hannibal sorry he ate the attendant at the Texaco station? Gave him gas. -What does Hannibal call the singer, Meatloaf? Meatloaf. -What does Hannibal call a trainload of New Yorkers? A subway sandwich. -Why did Hannibal complain when the waiter brought him Robin Williams? Too much hair in his food. -What does Hannibal call a circus tightrope walker? A well-balanced meal. -Why won't Hannibal eat Ben & Jerry s? Goes straight to his thighs. NOW LET S PICK ON THE LAWYERS -What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. -How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company. -How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. THE GENIE AT SCHOOL A principal, school clerk, and school nurse, from a small elementary school, were eating lunch in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished, stoned jewelry. I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of all the children in the area, that I will now grant three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of them could think otherwise. They quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the school clerk wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the clerk was gone. The school nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort ... with well groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone. "Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady. The principal said, "I want those two back in their offices by the end of the lunch break." SEND THIS TO THE POSTAL SERVICE: A US Postal Service mail carrier was making his rounds. He had a special-delivery package that had to be delivered in person, so he went up to the door. A woman answered, signed for the package, and took it. The mail carrier spotted a snail on the ground near him. He stomped on the snail, yelling, "Die, you little sucker, die! and killed ground the snail with his heel. The woman asked, "Why did you just kill that snail?" The mail carrier replied, "That little jerk has been following me around all day!" SHRINK JOKES How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready. Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change. Just one, but it takes nine visits. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? "How long have you been having this fantasy?" One, but he must consult the DSM-IV. How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? "How many do you think it takes?" REAL (no joke!) ROTTEN COUNTRY WESTERN SONG TITLES - If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You - Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life - Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure - Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares - How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? - I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life - I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me - I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. - I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You - I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! - I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win - I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy - I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart - If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You - If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low - If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me - If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will - Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You STOP THE PRESSES! A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!" TECH SUPPORT How many tech support people does it take to change a light bulb? We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay, just exactly how dark is it? Okay. There could be four or five things wrong. Have you tried the light switch? VOW OF SILENCE A man becomes a monk and joins an order where silence is the cardinal rule. He could say only two words once every decade. After ten years the head monk called him in. "Well," he said, "you can say your two words now." The man replied: "Food cold," and left the office. Another ten years passed and this time the man said, "Bed hard." After another ten years, the man was once again summoned into the head monk's office. "I quit," he said. The head monk replied, "I'm not surprised. You've been complaining ever since you got here." THREE JEWISH MOTHERS Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about how much their sons love them. Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother." Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll." Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me!!" DID YOU KNOW THIS? Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches? They can't keep their trunks up. CHARGERS FAN A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Chargers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Chargers fans too. Not really knowing what a Chargers fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little boy named Charlie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Chargers fan!" he says. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a proud Denver Broncos fan!" boasts the little boy. The teacher is a little upset now, her face slightly red. She asks Charlie why he is a Broncos fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Broncos fans, so I'm a Broncos fan too" he responds. Now the teacher is angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" Charlie smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Chargers fan." HOW TO FORECAST THE WEATHER Dear Friends, To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The CAT CANNIBAL JOKES. CHEW ON THIS: -Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "This taste funny to you?" -When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten. -The first cannibal asked the second cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The second cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now." -Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher? -What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder. -Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it. HE TAUGHT THE TEACHER A first grade teacher wrote on the blackboard: "Like, I ain't had no fun in months." She asked the class: "How should I correct this?" One boy raised his hand and replied, "Get a new boyfriend?" YOU KNOW YOU RE GETTING OLD WHEN
-- Unfortunately I can not totally agree with comrade Stalin. -- Is this really the first time that you have traveled on the roof of a train? -- Oh, don t be silly, honey. You don t look fat in that dress! Well...maybe a little... -- Hey yawl watch this. -- Hey, it's OK. Bungees NEVER break... -- LOOK! An old mine from world war..... -- Rope bridges last forever. -- Trust me, I know what I'm doing. -- Zooming is excellent with these Sony's. It's not as if that big if that elephant is going to... -- Oh, look! It looks like a big dolphin is swimming our way... -- Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture. -- Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing. -- I wonder what happens if these two wires touch. -- It's OK, I saw them do this on TV. -- We won't need reservations. -- It's always sunny in San Diego this time of the year. -- Don't worry, it's not loaded. -- You can make it easy... that train isn't coming fast. -- Just watch me dive from that bridge. -- "And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 98, I'll never have to worry about -- beeeeeeeep..." JUST REMEMBER THIS AT THE TRACK Q: How do you stop a runaway horse? A: Bet on him. REVENGE TIME: BRUNETTE JOKES BY BLONDES
California is loaded with condos. One kid was asked by his teacher, "What happened in 1492?" The kid answered, "How would I know? I live on the twelfth floor!" USED CAR ADS, TRANSLATED: MUST SELL = before it blows up. RUNS FINE=I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last-minute conscience attack. NEEDS SOME BODY WORK= was blindsided by a Winnebago. WELL-MAINTAINED=I changed the oil occasionally. LOOKS LIKE NEW=just don't try to drive it anywhere. ALL ORIGINAL=I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced. LOADED WITH OPTIONS=each one more troublesome than the next. NEVER SMOKED IN=unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it. PROJECT CAR=doesn't run. LOTS OF POTENTIAL=doesn't run. NEEDS MINOR REPAIR=doesn't run. ANN LANDERS WOULDN T ANSWER IT THIS WAY.. Is it okay to eat fried chicken with your fingers? No, the fingers should be eaten separately. POLAR BEAR JOKE A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, " Can I have a gin and ............................................................. ............................................................. ............................................................. ...........................................tonic please?" The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?" Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them..." JOE GUFFAWED AT THIS ONE A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen! GOVERNMENT PARABLE FOR OUR TIMES Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night". So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "how does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "how will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "how are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said, "who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "we have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget,we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman JOE IS JEWISH SO HE CAN TELL THIS A Frenchman, a German and a Jewish guy were wandering in the desert. After a very long day they come to a little tavern. "I'm hot! I'm thirsty! I think I'll have some wine!" says the Frenchman. The German says, "I'm hot! I'm thirsty! I think I'll have some beer!" The Jewish guys says, "I'm hot! I'm thirsty! I think I have diabetes!" THAT S A HISTORICAL FACT, JACK What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. DINNER BLESSING A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" CAT LOVER S RULES (fur ball humor section)
GOOD TO REMEMBER IN ELECTION YEAR Q. What do you get when you ask a politician to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"? A. Three different answers. CITY WORKERS Q. How do you identify a city worker's kids on the playground? A. They're the ones standing around watching the other kids play. TOUR GUIDE TERM .....and the...... TRANSLATION
THE WISHING WELL A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "Hey! This really works." JEWISH SYNAGOGUE BLOOPERS These announcements were found in Jewish shul (i.e. a Jewish church) newsletters and bulletins. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss. Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study. The ladies of Haddassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays. A bean supper will be held Wed. even. in the community center. Music will follow. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you! The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." A PASTOR S GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied. Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation. Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war. Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. Q. How do you get a Michigan State graduate off your porch? A. Pay him for the pizza. The Vaudeville Ventriloquist An old vaudeville ventriloquists was going broke. He couldn't get bookings and his money was almost gone. So his agent offered him some fatherly advice: "Think of one word: "spiritualism." That's where the money is today. People will come to you, you'll help them communicate with dead loved ones, and you'll never be poor again." So the ventriloquist rented an office and hung up a sign saying, "AUTHENTIC MEDIUM & SPIRITUALIST." The first customer arrived. The lady asked him, "What would it cost to communicate with my late husband? "We could do it for $20, $50 or $100," he said. "What's the difference?" "For $20," the spiritualist told her, "You can hear your husband speak but not talk back. For $50 you can have a complete two way conversation." "And what do I get for the hundred? "For the hundred," the spiritualist said, "you get the two way conversation while I drink a glass of water...." TWO GOATS IN LA LA LAND Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating an old movie film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?" The second goat says, "Yeah, but it's not as good as the book." GETTING HER SON TO SCHOOL The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. "Nobody in school likes me," he complained, tears welling up in his eyes. "The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the bus drivers hate me, and the school board wants me to leave. I don't WANT to go to school!" "But you HAVE to go to school," countered his mother. "You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides: you re 45 years old and you re the principal." A Dogs New Year's Resolutions
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" Intelligence Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss's hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand." Law of cat physics Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for him to do something. Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter. The Difference Between Cats and Dogs. DOG: He feeds me, cares for me, gives me shelter -- He must be a god! CAT: He feeds me, cares for me, gives me shelter -- I must be a god! Dad s Discovery One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" she answered. "Well, today I didn t do it." Church Bloopers Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with thanks. Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience." The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. THE RANCH A New York family bought a ranch in Texas where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." "But where are all your cattle?" "So far, none have survived the branding." Serious Note: Driving Safety. Just because you have a drivers license, doesn't necessarily make you a good driver... Some things to remember... TEN LITTLE DRIVERS Ten Little Drivers, cruising down the line. One had a heavy foot, and then there were nine. (SPEED LIMITS ARE SET FOR YOUR SAFETY.) Nine Little Drivers, the hour was getting late. One dozed off for a moment, and then there were eight. (A TIRED DRIVER IS A DANGEROUS ONE.) Eight Little Drivers and the evening seemed like heaven. One showed off his driving skills, and then there were seven. (DRIVE SENSIBLY AND SANELY AT ALL TIMES. A CAR IS NO PLACE FOR A CLOWN.) Seven Little Drivers, their lives were full of kicks. One bought a bottle, and then there were six. (DRINKING WHILE INTOXICATED IS A FOOL THING TO DO.) Six Little Drivers, impatient to arrive. One jumped a traffic light, now then there were five. (DON'T GAMBLE YEARS OF YOUR LIFE TO SAVE A FEW EXTRA SECONDS.) Five Little Drivers, wheeling near the shore. One viewed the scenery, and then there were four. (CAREFUL DRIVING DEMANDS ALERTNESS A AT ALL TIMES. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD.) Four Little Drivers, happy as could be. One passed a car on a hill, and then there were three. (NEVER PASS ANOTHER WHEN YOUR VISION IS OBSCURED.) Three Little Drivers, busy it is true. One neglected car repairs, and then there were two. (FOR SAFETY'S SAKE, KEEP YOUR CAR IN TOP CONDITION.) Two Little Drivers, and the day was nearly done. One didn't beam his lights, and then there was one. (SLOW DOWN FOR DUSK OR DARKNESS. ADJUST YOUR DRIVING TO EXISTING CONDITIONS.) One Little Driver, who's still alive today. By following the safety rules, he hopes to stay that way. |
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